b.E.l.l.A

This week has been so busy! My life is so chaotic at times.

So tomorrow is mine & Cody's 3 year anniversary. It has truly been an insane, rollercoaster couple of years. We've been through a lot. And as we're getting older and closer to really settling down, things have been getting tougher. The bills keep coming and we're trying to balance our personal life with a social life, and a family life. Throw in 2 full time jobs and it can get pretty rough. Things aren't easy. They never will be. Until I strike gold life is going to be difficult. But there is no one else I'd rather spend it with. We fight, we scream, we argue and we don't always see eye to eye. But those moments aren't constant, and when I sit down at the end of the day and look at him right there with me.... I know I don't want to be anywhere else. Love is so amazing. I still get butterflies. I still count down the minutes till his shifts at work end and he comes home. I look forward to every single weekend we get to lay tangled up together in bed as late as we want to.

It really doesn't get any better than this. I can't wait to have a family with him and create a whole new life.

love.love.love

Some kid is standing outside my window beating on a metal fence. Standing in a fenced in area, that is not meant for people to walk on, let alone stand and play musical fences on. College kids are so annoying.

Was I ever like that?

Ah ha, the random grubby kid has left. Peace and quiet.

When I was in college I swear kids dressed normal to go to class. Now it seems as though they try extra hard to look like they didn't try at all. Messy hair. Sweat pants (with Abercrombie cleverly placed on the ass/side/somewhere large & visible). Girls wear Ugg boots over their sweats. Guys wear moccasins. They wear ripped up shirts & strange scarfs. I do not get it.

And what is with guys having long hair? Since when is that cute?



love.love.love

Love is something that comes to you when you least expect it. And it is all it's made out to be. It's all consuming and amazing and TRUE. And when you find it, you know you have it and you never want to let it go. People who say true love doesn't exist have never felt it's power. They've never kissed the lips of someone they never wanted to let go of. It's real. It's everything you could ever ask for and more.

love.love.love

You truly cannot escape the past. Who you were. Who you loved. The dreams you had. Run as you might, but it's always there. A cold reminder of what you cannot have anymore and what you once were.

I've made so many mistakes. SO MANY. I've found myself in beds with guys that I wanted so desperately to love me, but that I knew never would. I smoked too much weed and lost too many friends. I drank too much, partied a little too hard. I tried to be perfect. I got myself in debt trying to be someone I never was. I can say one thing for sure, college changed me. It's taken me over 3 years now to find myself again. To escape, or try to, the past and who I was when I was in college. But I can't forget it. Everywhere I turn are reminders. Taunting me.

Every morning, on my way to work. I pass the police department. Where I bailed out a friend with an ex. An ex who I needed & wanted, at the time with every ounce in my body. Only to find out I was his "other woman." I look at the front steps to the PD and I see us, leaning against a wall. Me holding on tight, to what was never really mine. Every time I sign on AIM I'm reminded of his face. He IMs me so casually, not knowing he destroyed me. It took me 2 years to get over that hurt. To really put it past me. And although I have found a love beyond limits. One I wouldn't trade for the world. I cannot forget him. I cannot forget his face, or the way he made me feel. And I can't figure out why it won't leave me alone.

Every time I pass my old apartment, I'm reminded of the bond I had with Holly. Holly and I are still close, but what we had we'll never get back. We let life get in the way. We let ourselves get carried away with boys. I'm thankful to have her as my cousin, my best friend. But I miss her so much it hurts sometimes. She joined the Army in September... Things with us, the fun, the laughter, the crazy nights, the ridiculous inside jokes... are just memories now. I'm having a hard time accepting that. I think she is too, because every time we talk we both get really sad about it. It's funny how life carries you away in directions you never expected.

Looking back at my college life, I'm not proud of who I was. But I can say I have no regrets. All those mistakes got me here. But as much as I wouldn't go back and change them... I'm still having a hard time putting them behind me completely. I'm afraid of my mistakes catching up to me. I'm afraid that the things I did and the people I knew will come back. Just like that ex has...

I'm not sure if this even makes sense. But I need to vent. To just let it out.

I'll be okay.

love.love.love

My life is pretty good right now. I shouldn't have anything to complain about, but I usually find something... I'm a complicated girl when it comes down to it. But I know what I want out of this confusing, chaotic life.

Writing has always been an outlet for me. But I've been so busy with everything else that I've neglected to write/type whatever. I always start new journals, update them a few times... then forget about them. Or I just can't find the time to write in them. Which is depressing. I'm actually at work right now, otherwise I wouldn't be writing now.

Right now, I feel like everything in my life is just at a stand still. I have a great boyfriend. We have a house. We have pets that we love. I have amazing friends that know the real me. I am finally talking to my Dad again. My family is happy & healthy. I have a great job, with great benefits. I'm finishing my degree for free. Everything is amazing. Really. But I'm at a stand still. I feel like everyone else is moving on and up and I'm at the same place I have been for a while now. Really, when I'm being completely honest with myself, I am mainly talking about my relationship. We've been together 3 years. We both have stable careers making decent money. I've been watching all my friends get married and have babies... and I'm so jealous. I'm going to be 25 and this is what I want for my life. My bf and I talk about our future. All the time actually. But I have no ring on my finger. I have no baby to love. It's so frustrating. All I want is to marry him and start a new life with him. And I'm so impatient I don't want to wait for it. I don't find comfort in just knowing that it will happen some day. I want that day to be now. I don't know what he's waiting for. I don't want to push him, but at times I can't help but feel like grabbing him and screaming at him to get it done and over with! Hmmph....

Any advice how to get through this slump I'm in?


love.love.love